Top 100 Facts About The BeastMaster

1. After taking a steroids test doctors informed The BeastMaster that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said „of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”
2. Along with his black belt, The BeastMaster often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
3. The BeastMaster is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The BeastMaster used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
5. The BeastMaster’s blood type is WD-40.
6. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The BeastMaster and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
7. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined „victim” as „one who has encountered The BeastMaster”
8. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say „Thats the greatest thing since The BeastMaster”.
9. The BeastMaster was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
10. The BeastMaster’s dog is trained to pick up its own poop because The BeastMaster will not take crap from anyone.
11. Circles exist because The BeastMaster beat the crap out of some squares.
12. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that The BeastMaster is on.
13. A picture is worth a thousand words. A The BeastMaster is worth 1 billion words.
14. The BeastMaster and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
15. The BeastMaster was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
16. The BeastMaster’s family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can’t see what’s in them.
17. The BeastMaster’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The BeastMaster.
18. A man once claimed The BeastMaster kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
19. Every time someone uses the word „intense”, The BeastMaster always replies „you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
20. The BeastMaster always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
21. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and The BeastMaster will beat his ass and take it.
22. Everybody loves Raymond. Except The BeastMaster.
23. If at first you don’t succeed, you must not be The BeastMaster.
24. Hellen Keller’s favorite color is The BeastMaster.
25. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough The BeastMaster to go around.
26. Guns don’t kill people. The BeastMaster kills People.
27. For The BeastMaster, every street is „one way”. His way.
28. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. The BeastMaster, 3. Cancer
29. If The BeastMaster wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.
30. If you Google search „The BeastMaster getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
31. If The BeastMaster wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
32. The BeastMaster can kill two stones with one bird.
33. The BeastMaster can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
34. The BeastMaster can speak braille.
35. If you spell The BeastMaster in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
36. In an act of great philanthropy, The BeastMaster made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
37. In the Words of Julius Caesar, „Veni, Vidi, Vici, The BeastMaster”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by The BeastMaster.
38. As President Roosevelt said: „We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And The BeastMaster.”
39. The BeastMaster can tie his shoes with his feet.
40. The BeastMaster died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell .
41. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. The BeastMaster was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
42. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call The BeastMaster a giant meteor.
43. James Cameron wanted The BeastMaster to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
44. The BeastMaster can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
45. The BeastMaster became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
46. The BeastMaster doesn’t have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
47. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then The BeastMaster turned that wine into beer.
48. It takes 14 puppeteers to make The BeastMaster smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
49. Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. The BeastMaster needs toothpicks.
50. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is The BeastMaster.
51. Love does hurts. But not as much as The BeastMaster.
52. The BeastMaster does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The BeastMaster goes killing.
53. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a The BeastMaster roundhouse kick.
54. Most people fear the Reaper. The BeastMaster considers him „a promising Rookie”.
55. Once a cobra bit The BeastMaster’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
56. On his birthday, The BeastMaster randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
57. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because The BeastMaster is looking for it.
58. Not everyone that The BeastMaster is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
59. Most people know that Descarte said, „I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, „…afraid of The BeastMaster.”
60. The BeastMaster can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
61. Only The BeastMaster can prevent forest fires.
62. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but The BeastMaster beats all 3 at the same time.
63. Fifty years ago, The BeastMaster accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn’t fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
64. The BeastMaster is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
65. The BeastMaster irons his clothes while he’s wearing them.
66. The BeastMaster is the only one who can „try this at home.”
67. People created the automobile to escape from The BeastMaster…Not to be outdone, The BeastMaster created the automobile accident.
68. Q: How many The BeastMaster’s does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, The BeastMaster prefers to kill in the dark.
69. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, The BeastMaster asks for a body bag.
70. The BeastMaster counted to infinity – twice.
71. The BeastMaster is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
72. The BeastMaster was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
73. Simply by pulling on both ends, The BeastMaster can stretch diamonds back into coal.
74. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears The BeastMaster pajamas.
75. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a The BeastMaster glare will liquefy your kidneys.
76. The BeastMaster is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
77. The BeastMaster has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
78. Crop circles are The BeastMaster’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
79. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge The BeastMaster with „obstruction of justice.” This is because even The BeastMaster cannot be in two places at the same time.
80. Staring at The BeastMaster for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
81. Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. The BeastMaster likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
82. The BeastMaster does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
83. The Bible was originally titled „The BeastMaster and Friends”
84. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into The BeastMaster while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
85. The end result of the game „Clue” is always the same: The BeastMaster was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
86. The chief export of The BeastMaster is Pain.
87. The last man who made eye contact with The BeastMaster was Ray Charles.
88. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep The BeastMaster out. It failed miserably.
89. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that The BeastMaster didn’t kill you in your sleep.
90. The First rule of The BeastMaster is: you do not talk about The BeastMaster.
91. The crossing lights in The BeastMaster’s home town say „Die slowly” and „die quickly”. They each have a picture of The BeastMaster punching or kicking a pedestrian.
92. The BeastMaster invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when The BeastMaster goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.
94. The opening scene of the movie „Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball The BeastMaster played in second grade.
95. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. The BeastMaster 3. Cancer.
96. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at The BeastMaster … dies.
97. Google won’t search for The BeastMaster because it knows you don’t find The BeastMaster, he finds you.
98. If you work in an office with The BeastMaster, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
99. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs The BeastMaster. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with The BeastMaster. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

~ de thebeastmaster pe octombrie 16, 2008.